A Valentine from the Heart and not from Hallmark
This Valentine's Day marked what would have been my parents wedding anniversary. In 1942 they were married in a quiet ceremony in my mother's home. My mother's pastor did the service. My paternal grandmother provided the cake. Only the immediate family was present in addition to a few friends. They had a best man and a maid of honor. Their "honeymoon" consisted of a trip to Baltimore to their new apartment.
As I think back on my parents I can not remember anything that would make me think they would choose Valentines Day as their wedding day. Perhaps the constant presence of the 5 of us may have hidden the clues that would have solved this mystery.
I remember the first time I saw the picture of my parents as teenagers on the boardwalk at Ocean City, Md. They were sitting on a bench, that today might hold girls dressed in suits that barely cover them or older gentlemen whose bellies hang over their bermuda shorts. During my mother's years of dating, the boardwalk instead of providing a setting for dressing down showcased people in their best clothes parading up and down this seaside wooden pathway.
My mother obtained a degree from the local teacher's college. She took a job as a teacher in a one room school house for one year. Children came quickly. My brother arrived 2 weeks before my parents celebrated their first wedding anniversary. My second brother arrived less than 2 years later. 4 years later I arrived and over the next 9 years we were joined by 2 sisters.
I don't think my parents were overwhelmed with self help books and magazine articles on how to have the perfect engagement, wedding, honeymoon, method of conflict resolution, children, and parenting style. They just did what had been modeled before them. They had seen over the years many couples decide to marry, some wisely and some not so wisely. When that day came and they became husband and wife they knew as their parents had known before them that neither one of them was perfect. Adjusting to each other, over looking things and forgiving each other would continue past the first anniversary and every anniversary to come as they sought to deal with the wonderful and not so wonderful moments of life.
In a way my parents had lower expectations and higher expectations than couples today. They took the marriage vows seriously. There was little bought, said or done for the sake of the moment. My mother's plain dress was adequate because perhaps funds were not there for anything more elaborate. I think perhaps the plain dress might have had just as much to do with the greater importance placed on the vows themselves. Looking at this picture of them cutting the cake brings to mind all those years when in less obvious ways they worked together. She is the one holding the cake knife but his hand is over hers and they are both looking at the task at hand. In certain areas of family life it looked like my mother was alone but Dad supported her in so many ways. I would imagine each of us have clear memories of our father's response if we failed to show her respect. They never saw their marriage as something that might not work out. They knew that the part of the vow that said "til death do us part" meant exactly what it said.
I'm sure my parents did not strive to reach deeper levels of emotional honesty with each other. They accepted each other as they were. Personality tests were unknown to them and even if they had taken them what would they have done with the results? Today a mammoth amount of information pushes us one way and then another. A young couple's expectations soar as they plow through the work of expert after expert who will tell them how to handle problem after problem. Few experts tell us how to return to the view point of my parents.
No fancy lingerie or slick magazines are needed. A gorgeous wedding gown, expensive flowers and a lavish reception can not guarantee a till death do us part marriage. First a couple needs to approach the marriage vows with the firm resolve that marriage has no doors with neon exit signs. Second, they both need to see themselves as sinners. When both of these things are true then by the grace of God we can have the kind of marriages that last "til death do us part"
As I think back on my parents I can not remember anything that would make me think they would choose Valentines Day as their wedding day. Perhaps the constant presence of the 5 of us may have hidden the clues that would have solved this mystery.
I remember the first time I saw the picture of my parents as teenagers on the boardwalk at Ocean City, Md. They were sitting on a bench, that today might hold girls dressed in suits that barely cover them or older gentlemen whose bellies hang over their bermuda shorts. During my mother's years of dating, the boardwalk instead of providing a setting for dressing down showcased people in their best clothes parading up and down this seaside wooden pathway.
My mother obtained a degree from the local teacher's college. She took a job as a teacher in a one room school house for one year. Children came quickly. My brother arrived 2 weeks before my parents celebrated their first wedding anniversary. My second brother arrived less than 2 years later. 4 years later I arrived and over the next 9 years we were joined by 2 sisters.
I don't think my parents were overwhelmed with self help books and magazine articles on how to have the perfect engagement, wedding, honeymoon, method of conflict resolution, children, and parenting style. They just did what had been modeled before them. They had seen over the years many couples decide to marry, some wisely and some not so wisely. When that day came and they became husband and wife they knew as their parents had known before them that neither one of them was perfect. Adjusting to each other, over looking things and forgiving each other would continue past the first anniversary and every anniversary to come as they sought to deal with the wonderful and not so wonderful moments of life.
In a way my parents had lower expectations and higher expectations than couples today. They took the marriage vows seriously. There was little bought, said or done for the sake of the moment. My mother's plain dress was adequate because perhaps funds were not there for anything more elaborate. I think perhaps the plain dress might have had just as much to do with the greater importance placed on the vows themselves. Looking at this picture of them cutting the cake brings to mind all those years when in less obvious ways they worked together. She is the one holding the cake knife but his hand is over hers and they are both looking at the task at hand. In certain areas of family life it looked like my mother was alone but Dad supported her in so many ways. I would imagine each of us have clear memories of our father's response if we failed to show her respect. They never saw their marriage as something that might not work out. They knew that the part of the vow that said "til death do us part" meant exactly what it said.
I'm sure my parents did not strive to reach deeper levels of emotional honesty with each other. They accepted each other as they were. Personality tests were unknown to them and even if they had taken them what would they have done with the results? Today a mammoth amount of information pushes us one way and then another. A young couple's expectations soar as they plow through the work of expert after expert who will tell them how to handle problem after problem. Few experts tell us how to return to the view point of my parents.
No fancy lingerie or slick magazines are needed. A gorgeous wedding gown, expensive flowers and a lavish reception can not guarantee a till death do us part marriage. First a couple needs to approach the marriage vows with the firm resolve that marriage has no doors with neon exit signs. Second, they both need to see themselves as sinners. When both of these things are true then by the grace of God we can have the kind of marriages that last "til death do us part"
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