An Ordinary Christian Living an Out of the Ordinary Role
My husband Steve graduated from seminary in 1976. A short time later we traveled across country to what we thought would be an internship for Steve with one of the older pastors in the denomination. When we arrived the gentleman was thrilled, shook Steve's hand and drove back to his retirement home one hour away. Steve did get to see him and I'm sure he learned from him but it was not an internship. For Steve it was like graduating from an elementary swim class and then diving off the high dive.
One of the first things asked of me was did I play the piano. Fortunately I had to say no. This was my first encounter with the stereotype of the preacher's wife. When we moved to our second church I was told soon after my arrival that I had to lead a study for senior women. I protested citing my lack of experience and my youth as reasons why I was not the appropriate choice. I wasted my breath and then I resigned myself to my new role.
Let's see' the stereotype of the pastor's wife is she plays the piano, leads the women's Bible study, sets the standard for godly living and is the levelheaded mom. Although this all sounds good not all preachers wives will fit this mold. It takes time for a woman to understand how she should be serving in every church where her husband is the pastor. In some ways the pastor's wife is no different from other wives in the church.
There are a few things that make her different. People's expectations of her need to be dealt with. Some times they need to be ignored or a response is needed as to why that expectation is not a good fit. Some times that expectation is a needed challenge for the pastor's wife to use her gifts.
Although my husband has always been careful about not telling me too much I would often know more than the average person. With that knowledge comes a greater understanding of the needs of the church. Sometimes I would be the one that should meet that need. Other times my role was to wait and encourage others.
Churches are blessed to have leaders in addition to the pastor. These men go through a selection process and a training program. In our churches these men make up the session and they are called elders. There might be a time when the pastor's wife would benefit from the insight of one of these men. The pastor's wife is married to one of the elders. She should respect her husband and seek his wisdom on many occasions but there are times when she needs the advice of an elder who is only an elder. Just as anyone in the congregation can seek the advice of any of the session members so should the pastor's wife.
My husband has tried to be careful about what he would share with me about the happenings at church. Although at times I have observed a lot and I have been frustrated that I don't have the missing pieces most of the time I am thankful that I do not know everything. As a pastor's wife I was never part of the staff and I am glad not to be subjected to all the concerns of the elders.
Life in the ministry dealing with so many different personalities has plenty of ups and downs. A lot of those downs are easy by God's grace to take in stride. Some episodes cause greater upheaval. The two situations that come to mind were marked by strong personalities as well as a different view of certain doctrine. In each case there were moments when I wished for any other church except my own.
When I think back over the years I know we have been blessed. It has been difficult at times. especially when I felt I was asked to share my husband more than what seemed needed. Through it all Steve and I have grown closer together as God has allowed us to be used to His glory in the lives of His people.
Friendship is so important. In the past many pastor's wives have been told to keep their distance from other women in the church. The women in two churches were extremely important as we adopted 2 children from Korea and then many years later as I dealt with breast cancer. Developing close friendships need to be done carefully. I know my life would be poorer without these women. Some times it works out better to have friendships outside of the church,
If you are a pastor's wife be sure you know what to do with other's expectations and be sure you have the right person to share your joys and frustrations. Remember to be yourself. Don't let anyone put you on a pedestal.
If you are a regular congregation member the pastor's wife needs you. Encourage her to use her gifts as she would encourage you to use yours. All believers are united in our need to cast all our anxieties on God remembering he cares for us.(I Peter 5:7)
One of the first things asked of me was did I play the piano. Fortunately I had to say no. This was my first encounter with the stereotype of the preacher's wife. When we moved to our second church I was told soon after my arrival that I had to lead a study for senior women. I protested citing my lack of experience and my youth as reasons why I was not the appropriate choice. I wasted my breath and then I resigned myself to my new role.
Let's see' the stereotype of the pastor's wife is she plays the piano, leads the women's Bible study, sets the standard for godly living and is the levelheaded mom. Although this all sounds good not all preachers wives will fit this mold. It takes time for a woman to understand how she should be serving in every church where her husband is the pastor. In some ways the pastor's wife is no different from other wives in the church.
There are a few things that make her different. People's expectations of her need to be dealt with. Some times they need to be ignored or a response is needed as to why that expectation is not a good fit. Some times that expectation is a needed challenge for the pastor's wife to use her gifts.
Although my husband has always been careful about not telling me too much I would often know more than the average person. With that knowledge comes a greater understanding of the needs of the church. Sometimes I would be the one that should meet that need. Other times my role was to wait and encourage others.
Churches are blessed to have leaders in addition to the pastor. These men go through a selection process and a training program. In our churches these men make up the session and they are called elders. There might be a time when the pastor's wife would benefit from the insight of one of these men. The pastor's wife is married to one of the elders. She should respect her husband and seek his wisdom on many occasions but there are times when she needs the advice of an elder who is only an elder. Just as anyone in the congregation can seek the advice of any of the session members so should the pastor's wife.
My husband has tried to be careful about what he would share with me about the happenings at church. Although at times I have observed a lot and I have been frustrated that I don't have the missing pieces most of the time I am thankful that I do not know everything. As a pastor's wife I was never part of the staff and I am glad not to be subjected to all the concerns of the elders.
Life in the ministry dealing with so many different personalities has plenty of ups and downs. A lot of those downs are easy by God's grace to take in stride. Some episodes cause greater upheaval. The two situations that come to mind were marked by strong personalities as well as a different view of certain doctrine. In each case there were moments when I wished for any other church except my own.
When I think back over the years I know we have been blessed. It has been difficult at times. especially when I felt I was asked to share my husband more than what seemed needed. Through it all Steve and I have grown closer together as God has allowed us to be used to His glory in the lives of His people.
Friendship is so important. In the past many pastor's wives have been told to keep their distance from other women in the church. The women in two churches were extremely important as we adopted 2 children from Korea and then many years later as I dealt with breast cancer. Developing close friendships need to be done carefully. I know my life would be poorer without these women. Some times it works out better to have friendships outside of the church,
If you are a pastor's wife be sure you know what to do with other's expectations and be sure you have the right person to share your joys and frustrations. Remember to be yourself. Don't let anyone put you on a pedestal.
If you are a regular congregation member the pastor's wife needs you. Encourage her to use her gifts as she would encourage you to use yours. All believers are united in our need to cast all our anxieties on God remembering he cares for us.(I Peter 5:7)
I have really appreciated your example as a pastor's wife to me! It was encouraging to know I could be myself and not have to worry about fitting an ideal. Just being Andrew's wife and serving the congregation where my gifts were, just as other members do, is plenty!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments. One thing I left out is dealing with criticism of your husband. I think that would take another post.
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