Handling Criticism
It doesn't matter who you are or what you do, most people do not handle criticism well even on those occasions when it is done in the most God honoring way possible. Unfortunately many brothers and sisters do not seem to think about honoring Christ before opening their mouths. Steve's first criticism concerning his ministry occurred when he had just started as a summer intern. One of the men after Steve had led a service asked with concern, "Do you think the fact you can't sing will hurt your ministry?" Although other comments over the years have been far more caustic, few have been more unexpected than that first thinly veiled criticism.
At Steve's first church, a group of three young men who were ardent readers of reformed theology took it upon themselves many Sunday evenings to share their thoughts with Steve on how they believed he had missed the mark in his preaching. My husband, the recent grad was not experienced enough to take such encounters in stride and his critics were not very humble or adept at integrating their new knowledge. Many years have passed since those days. Although he has had many people express great appreciation for his ministry, the years have been peppered with criticism.
The criticism comes in at least three different forms. The first kind is directed at just him. Often this kind is not spoken. You can sometimes suspect what is wrong because of facial expressions during the sermon, and because of the speed with which they leave church. In the most severe cases they leave the church and don't return. If the criticism is directed toward the pastor, it often includes the elders. Sometimes it results from a decision the whole session has made. Other times the criticism may be the session isn't helping the pastor deal well with the perceived problems. The third type of criticism is directed at the pastor's wife and /or his children.
My husband whenever possible does not share the criticism with me. Whether or not it's communicated in words, I can often see it in his facial expressions and other body language. He may not smile as much and his speech is less animated. His energy runs at a low ebb.
Someone told me once that being married to a minister is no different than being married to anyone else. Unfortunately that woman is no longer married to that minster. I do not know if criticism contributed to the demise of that marriage. I do know it can become like sandpaper on anyone especially when it is the kind that drags on and on. If your husband is a plumber or a dentist, you may hear about the criticism but rarely are you required to worship side by side with his critics. You are not required to greet them with a smile and an open heart.
No matter how unjustified the criticism, you may not fight his battles for him. You have to pray for your husband. Encourage him with Biblical principles and reminders of the character of God. Pray that God will give you a great love for his critics, and protect you from your own sin.
There may be those occasions when the criticism is justified. Please approach these times with prayer, and great love. When a criticism seems to be valid at all a man's wife and his session must not be afraid to speak the truth in love. Too often a man goes down the wrong path ignoring the admonishment of the Holy Spirit, as the wife and the session fail to act when they see a problem.
If you are a member of a congregation let me make a few suggestions for the next time you are critical of your pastor, or the session.
1) Do not approach a pastor with criticism immediately after he's preached or taught. Always remember that he's exhausted. Arrange for another time.
2) Never avoid talking to an elder or pastor about what is bothering you, and then feel compelled to talk to others. These men would much rather hear about your concerns from you instead of second or third hand.
3) Remember before you share your criticism, to be equally free sharing how you see God is blessing the church through these men.
4) If you decide to talk to the session about a criticism, listen to them, respect how God works through them, and be inclined to heed their advice. These men take the position they have within the church very seriously and so should you.
This is definitely not an easy topic. I don't want anyone to get the idea that Steve has just been picked at all the time. He hasn't but neither has negative criticism ever been just a distant memory. All of it, the positive and negative have been used by God to remind us of how much we depend on Him. The success of any church is God's doing. We are all means God uses to glorify himself.
If you noticed I only lightly touched on how the family does cope or should cope with criticism aimed at any or all family members. I'm hopeful I will have something helpful to say on my next post.
At Steve's first church, a group of three young men who were ardent readers of reformed theology took it upon themselves many Sunday evenings to share their thoughts with Steve on how they believed he had missed the mark in his preaching. My husband, the recent grad was not experienced enough to take such encounters in stride and his critics were not very humble or adept at integrating their new knowledge. Many years have passed since those days. Although he has had many people express great appreciation for his ministry, the years have been peppered with criticism.
The criticism comes in at least three different forms. The first kind is directed at just him. Often this kind is not spoken. You can sometimes suspect what is wrong because of facial expressions during the sermon, and because of the speed with which they leave church. In the most severe cases they leave the church and don't return. If the criticism is directed toward the pastor, it often includes the elders. Sometimes it results from a decision the whole session has made. Other times the criticism may be the session isn't helping the pastor deal well with the perceived problems. The third type of criticism is directed at the pastor's wife and /or his children.
My husband whenever possible does not share the criticism with me. Whether or not it's communicated in words, I can often see it in his facial expressions and other body language. He may not smile as much and his speech is less animated. His energy runs at a low ebb.
Someone told me once that being married to a minister is no different than being married to anyone else. Unfortunately that woman is no longer married to that minster. I do not know if criticism contributed to the demise of that marriage. I do know it can become like sandpaper on anyone especially when it is the kind that drags on and on. If your husband is a plumber or a dentist, you may hear about the criticism but rarely are you required to worship side by side with his critics. You are not required to greet them with a smile and an open heart.
No matter how unjustified the criticism, you may not fight his battles for him. You have to pray for your husband. Encourage him with Biblical principles and reminders of the character of God. Pray that God will give you a great love for his critics, and protect you from your own sin.
There may be those occasions when the criticism is justified. Please approach these times with prayer, and great love. When a criticism seems to be valid at all a man's wife and his session must not be afraid to speak the truth in love. Too often a man goes down the wrong path ignoring the admonishment of the Holy Spirit, as the wife and the session fail to act when they see a problem.
If you are a member of a congregation let me make a few suggestions for the next time you are critical of your pastor, or the session.
1) Do not approach a pastor with criticism immediately after he's preached or taught. Always remember that he's exhausted. Arrange for another time.
2) Never avoid talking to an elder or pastor about what is bothering you, and then feel compelled to talk to others. These men would much rather hear about your concerns from you instead of second or third hand.
3) Remember before you share your criticism, to be equally free sharing how you see God is blessing the church through these men.
4) If you decide to talk to the session about a criticism, listen to them, respect how God works through them, and be inclined to heed their advice. These men take the position they have within the church very seriously and so should you.
This is definitely not an easy topic. I don't want anyone to get the idea that Steve has just been picked at all the time. He hasn't but neither has negative criticism ever been just a distant memory. All of it, the positive and negative have been used by God to remind us of how much we depend on Him. The success of any church is God's doing. We are all means God uses to glorify himself.
If you noticed I only lightly touched on how the family does cope or should cope with criticism aimed at any or all family members. I'm hopeful I will have something helpful to say on my next post.
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