A Loss is Still a Loss
I need to apologize to a few people after the death of my mother. Repeatedly people have said to me that they are sorry for my loss. I would often say it was a good thing. She was 95 and her true home was heaven. After a major stroke if she had lived she would have had no speech and her ability to move would probably have been impaired. God dealt kindly with her by taking her when He did. I think I might have responded to the wrong statement. I responded as if they had said "I'm sorry your mother died." Although death is still the enemy because it is the result of the Fall, it also can be a tool God uses for good. Have I experienced a loss? Most definitely. I have lost my mother who was a whole person.
Some aspects of my loss may seem inconsequential. There is no one from another state who wants a first hand report on the weather. There is no one left who can answer a multitude of seemingly unimportant questions about family history. I have now one less challenging person to buy for at Christmas.
My mother as is often the case for someone her age was very set in her ways. She would tell us we had to choose what we would have for meals when we came to visit and then we had to fix it. Usually as we started to fix a meal she would take over and do it her way. There was only one way to load the dishwasher and I rarely got it just right. Over the years it seemed she only gave compliments when they were directed at other people. ("Your sister is amazing at organizing things.") She found it hard to view us as children who were now reasonably competent grownups.
My mother loved my father and cared for him through the long goodbye of Alzheimers. She had told me in the past year that she regretted the fact that they had not communicated on a more personal level. Even after he was gone she was still a very private person. She always attempted to be even handed with all of us. She had no obvious favorites. Mom loved each generation. I'm sure her poor hearing made dealing with the latest great grands easier to handle. For the rest of us she yearned to be a part of more conversations not less. Although she had taught herself to lipread it wasn't enough to totally bridge the gap she too often felt between herself and beloved family members.
Just as she disliked her inability to enter the conversations around her, she also did not like the circle of gadgets that often surrounded her. Cell phones and kindles that can produce tv shows, games, books, facebook and emails stole from her more of what precious opportunities we had to communicate. Although I am not getting rid of my kindle, I did become very adept at quickly closing it when she entered a room. I hope all of us remember Mom's perspective and keep our gadgets in their proper place. There was a song that highlighted the importance of using things and loving people. May the memory of Mom keep that truth close to me. She did benefit from facebook as my sister would often show Mom pictures of the great grands. She enjoyed them all.
Mother did not always make clear her feelings but she seemed to take pride in the many interests of family members. Stories abound of her clipping articles from the local paper of anything that would interest someone. Mom loved fishing and that strengthened the bond with any of the family who enjoyed fishing as well. She loved the ocean. My father who would rather be under a car than sitting on a sandy beach would often go with her fully clothed while Mom was ready to enjoy the beach and the ocean waves.
Although Mom at 95 had her moments when life seemed overwhelming, she was sharp. For a long time she kept a record every time a charity would ask for money. She would write down the date of the request and how much she sent. When the next request came she would check her list to guard against sending too much money. Even though she had a financial adviser and a friend who helped balance her checkbook, she would not excuse herself from understanding her finances. Mother for years had been an avid card player. Years ago she used to play canasta and bridge. Many in my family played cribbage with her. Mom and I would often play 5 Crowns and Skip-bo. She took great delight in beating us, often rubbing it in when we'd lose. Mother would also keep a list of the books she read. This was a habit she continued long after she had lost some sight in one of her eyes after a couple of t-i-as.
Mother also had a great love of nature. She made sure all the bird feeders were full. Observing the changing scene of colorful birds was an important part of everyday. Mother loved her flowers and plants. She would arrange flowers from her yard in a way that sometimes rivaled the florist.
Mother in spite of her advanced years made a point for a long time of visiting shut-ins. When her health began to decline she continued to visit these people. Now my sister a nurse would go with her. Mom seemed to love that her daughter Patti was more acutely aware of the needs of mother's friends. When it was appropriate she would help to meet those needs. They were no longer getting Mother's baked goods or the latest produce. They were getting a double dose of my mother's practical care. Mother was far from being huggy or effusive but in a low key way she let people know she cared. Mother sent numerous birthday, get well, and sympathy cards to people in her church family. Years ago I was visiting and went with her to buy cards. She carefully read each one until she found the right card for the right person. In recent years it must have frustrated her to rely on others to shop for her but she seemed glad when I presented to her cards to be sent to others.
Usually when we say someone is set in their ways, we think that is a bad thing. That is not always true. My mother would not read the newspaper until she read the Bible first. Although she did not talk a lot about her faith that was obviously an important part of her life.
Yes this month I lost a very important person in my life. I will remember all the times she treated me like a twelve year old. I will remember her practical concern for those in her church family. I will remember her amazing care with which she handled finances. I will remember the beauty of her flower arrangements and her delight over the activities of the birds that fed outside her window. I will remember the priority that she placed on God's Word. Most of all I will remember that even though her death has been a great loss to me she is not lost. She is at home with her heavenly father.
Some aspects of my loss may seem inconsequential. There is no one from another state who wants a first hand report on the weather. There is no one left who can answer a multitude of seemingly unimportant questions about family history. I have now one less challenging person to buy for at Christmas.
My mother as is often the case for someone her age was very set in her ways. She would tell us we had to choose what we would have for meals when we came to visit and then we had to fix it. Usually as we started to fix a meal she would take over and do it her way. There was only one way to load the dishwasher and I rarely got it just right. Over the years it seemed she only gave compliments when they were directed at other people. ("Your sister is amazing at organizing things.") She found it hard to view us as children who were now reasonably competent grownups.
My mother loved my father and cared for him through the long goodbye of Alzheimers. She had told me in the past year that she regretted the fact that they had not communicated on a more personal level. Even after he was gone she was still a very private person. She always attempted to be even handed with all of us. She had no obvious favorites. Mom loved each generation. I'm sure her poor hearing made dealing with the latest great grands easier to handle. For the rest of us she yearned to be a part of more conversations not less. Although she had taught herself to lipread it wasn't enough to totally bridge the gap she too often felt between herself and beloved family members.
Just as she disliked her inability to enter the conversations around her, she also did not like the circle of gadgets that often surrounded her. Cell phones and kindles that can produce tv shows, games, books, facebook and emails stole from her more of what precious opportunities we had to communicate. Although I am not getting rid of my kindle, I did become very adept at quickly closing it when she entered a room. I hope all of us remember Mom's perspective and keep our gadgets in their proper place. There was a song that highlighted the importance of using things and loving people. May the memory of Mom keep that truth close to me. She did benefit from facebook as my sister would often show Mom pictures of the great grands. She enjoyed them all.
Mother did not always make clear her feelings but she seemed to take pride in the many interests of family members. Stories abound of her clipping articles from the local paper of anything that would interest someone. Mom loved fishing and that strengthened the bond with any of the family who enjoyed fishing as well. She loved the ocean. My father who would rather be under a car than sitting on a sandy beach would often go with her fully clothed while Mom was ready to enjoy the beach and the ocean waves.
Although Mom at 95 had her moments when life seemed overwhelming, she was sharp. For a long time she kept a record every time a charity would ask for money. She would write down the date of the request and how much she sent. When the next request came she would check her list to guard against sending too much money. Even though she had a financial adviser and a friend who helped balance her checkbook, she would not excuse herself from understanding her finances. Mother for years had been an avid card player. Years ago she used to play canasta and bridge. Many in my family played cribbage with her. Mom and I would often play 5 Crowns and Skip-bo. She took great delight in beating us, often rubbing it in when we'd lose. Mother would also keep a list of the books she read. This was a habit she continued long after she had lost some sight in one of her eyes after a couple of t-i-as.
Mother also had a great love of nature. She made sure all the bird feeders were full. Observing the changing scene of colorful birds was an important part of everyday. Mother loved her flowers and plants. She would arrange flowers from her yard in a way that sometimes rivaled the florist.
Mother in spite of her advanced years made a point for a long time of visiting shut-ins. When her health began to decline she continued to visit these people. Now my sister a nurse would go with her. Mom seemed to love that her daughter Patti was more acutely aware of the needs of mother's friends. When it was appropriate she would help to meet those needs. They were no longer getting Mother's baked goods or the latest produce. They were getting a double dose of my mother's practical care. Mother was far from being huggy or effusive but in a low key way she let people know she cared. Mother sent numerous birthday, get well, and sympathy cards to people in her church family. Years ago I was visiting and went with her to buy cards. She carefully read each one until she found the right card for the right person. In recent years it must have frustrated her to rely on others to shop for her but she seemed glad when I presented to her cards to be sent to others.
Usually when we say someone is set in their ways, we think that is a bad thing. That is not always true. My mother would not read the newspaper until she read the Bible first. Although she did not talk a lot about her faith that was obviously an important part of her life.
Yes this month I lost a very important person in my life. I will remember all the times she treated me like a twelve year old. I will remember her practical concern for those in her church family. I will remember her amazing care with which she handled finances. I will remember the beauty of her flower arrangements and her delight over the activities of the birds that fed outside her window. I will remember the priority that she placed on God's Word. Most of all I will remember that even though her death has been a great loss to me she is not lost. She is at home with her heavenly father.
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