The Real Deal

I found the lump in January. Since I was certain it was a cyst, I waited until September when abnormal bleeding scared me enough I went to a doctor. When the visit was over the cause of the bleeding was not found but a mammogram had found a possible cancer. As hard as it was to believe I found myself in a surgeon's office. After examining the results from the mammogram she ordered surgery to take place two days later. 50 - 50 chance of cancer. At the sound of her words I wanted to run. Instead I waited for the blood work to be done.

When I came home I called Christian friends in other churches and asked for prayer, and then I hunted and found my little notebook filled with verses I had drunk deeply from a little less than a year ago. I read God's words in Isaiah 43:1-3 . "Don't be afraid, because I have saved you. I have called you by name and you are mine." What a tender beginning. Called me by name I am his. "When you pass through the waters I will be with you. When you cross rivers you will not drown. When you walk through fire, you will not be burned. The flames will not hurt you. This is because I, the Lord am your God. I, the holy one of Israel am your savior."
When I thought of these verses, my immediate response was I didn't want to go through fire or deep water. The bottom line was would I rather be wet with Jesus or dry without him? While attending an educational display about sheep, I was reminded of Psalm 23 and the loving tender way God deals with his sheep, his people. The speaker with the sheep shared with us that the wool of the sheep contains lanolin which waterproofs the animal. The sheep may be in the water but God has provided him with protection just as he has protects his human sheep. What a comfort. I would have loved a detour around the water, but through it could be my only choice.

Some how the next two days passed. I clutched my little notebook of verses and read them over and over again. That afternoon the surgeon returned with the pathology report. It was cancer. There would be no detour. She said I needed to return the next week for surgery to check the lymph nodes.

We left the hospital. I knew I couldn't go home until I talked to Betty. She was a woman in our church who had had lymphoma. In spite of a dire prognosis she had survived after treatment. Cancer in my mind equaled death and I had to talk and pray with the only person I knew who had come out on the other side. I gave little thought to Steve who had to deal with the practical and pick up food at the grocery store to feed our children. Betty arranged to get me home.

I think I called family and friends with an update. The rest of the evening was a blur. Steve who was also emotionally and physically exhausted went to bed. My mind would would not stop racing. Some time after midnight I called my friend Jan and asked her to pray for me. This was one of the few times I was glad her time zone was three hours earlier than ours. Finally I was able to sleep.

The next morning Steve left to go to his office. I still could do little but cry. I decided to call the Focus on the Family office. As soon as the receptionist heard my sobbing she gave my call to a counselor. I don't remember what he said but I do remember that he prayed with me. He promised to send me some resources. Finally my tears had begun to subside. It was gently raining outside. I had to get out. I put on my raincoat and began the walk downtown to the Christian book store. I found a book about dealing with cancer by a man named Packo. It was filled with prayers that went a long way to helping me understand the Biblical perspective I needed.

After all my tears of the previous day and my tears that morning I was surprised that I could talk to the woman who owned the store with no tears at all. My calmness was a visual affirmation of the power of God who answered the counselor's prayer. That night I surprised people by attending the prayer meeting. I thanked them for praying for me and I asked them to continue. After the meeting one of the women said she could never handle a cancer diagnosis as well as I was. God gave me the answer for her. He gives each of us the grace to handle our own story not the story he gives another person.

The next Tuesday we went for the lymph node dissection. It was a much different experience; we sang hymns all the way to the hospital. This was a better outcome. I had no lymph node involvement. I went through a course of radiation treatments. The many people who drove me the hour to the hospital were wonderful and eager to be helpful. This was followed by five years of tamoxifen. The whole experience taught me many things. I had an in your face experience with my mortality. I became acutely aware of my need to cling to Christ. I wish I could say once learned always remembered. Unfortunately I am often in need of refresher courses. God in wisdom supplies what I need.